I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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