why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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