I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
