P.S. I can't hear my feet
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
