maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize