You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
