how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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