At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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