I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
