Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
