Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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