So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
