We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
