I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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