Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
