I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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