Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
