Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize