I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
