please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
