You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
