I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
