Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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