My girlfriend figured out who you are.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
