I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
