my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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