also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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