I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
