She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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