I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
