theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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