I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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