my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
