so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
