I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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