It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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