who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
