Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
