Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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