Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want her autograph on my taint
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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