i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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