we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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