Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
