when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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