Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
