I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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