ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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