Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
