I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
