hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
