i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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