The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize