I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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