hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
