Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
