There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
