I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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