you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Randomize