Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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