Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
