Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm passing your future prison.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
