I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
