if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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