there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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