Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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