I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
